I know they are closer,

I know the brighter days are more frequent and more amazing,

Yet really letting go,

I am mean REALLY letting go,

Its bloody scary.

 

It’s so strange to think the sadness I feel as I really do this,

I really heal the abuse.

You know I almost think I thought it was just a fantasy,

Just a dream,

One day it won’t control me,

One day I will be free,

 

Yet it’s happening,

Right now,

Today,

I am finally really releasing it,

And all I can do is sob,

There is pain in my throat,

Pain in my chest,

 

You would think that letting go of the past would be amazing,

Freeing,

And I am sure it will be,

But right now,

I feel sad,

Really, really, really sad,

 

Saying goodbye to the only little girl I have ever known,

It’s daunting,

She has been my soul for so long,

I’m not even sure I know how to live a life without her,

She has been my heart,

My direction,

My challenges,

My love,

 

The pain she has felt is who I have been for so long,

I am not sure I know who I am without the pain,

It has been my life,

The pain has controlled me,

Guided me,

Directed me,

Even when I was completely unaware.

 

It is time to allow this healing to come through me,

It’s terrifying and liberating all at once,

It’s devastating and exciting,

And right now….

 

It’s just sad.

 

With all my love & strength,

Mental Mumma