It’s so deflating,

Devastating,

So many weeks,

Months,

Dedicating my time to my journey,

 

Yet,

First sign of immense stress,

And I flip.

I don’t even know where it came from,

No warning,

 

I stand in the shower this morning,

Reciting my positive affirmations,

‘It’s only a thought, a thought can change’,

 

Like fuck it’s only a thought,

It’s an emotion,

A feeling,

A physical tension like no other,

I want to scream,

Break things,

Punch something,

Bawl my fucking eyes out,

 

You must think I am a walking contradiction,

One day saying,

Do positive affirmations,

The next saying…

FUCK THIS!

 

But I am not,

I am just an honest display of the journey,

Boy I have been up,

As high as a flying eagle,

Spreading my wings,

And feeling the freedom,

 

But I have been low too,

Low that no matter where in the journey,

I still can think,

FUCK THIS!

 

Why do I bother?

Do I really believe?

Do I have faith?

 

Let me assure you,

Faith never slides,

Even when I try to bury it,

 

You just have to face these things HEAD ON,

I have been desperately trying to hide,

Bury the emotions,

The fear,

Convince myself,

I am OK,

 

One of my own pieces of advice,

Accept,

And yet I have been running,

 

It’s time to not be so hard on myself,

It’s time to be kind,

To know,

I am doing the BEST THAT I CAN,

And that’s all I can give right now.

 

With love & strength,

Mental Mumma