It’s been a big journey.
I have experienced pain that has cut my chest open and torn my heart out. Fear that has crippled me and locked me in a dark, terrifying world. Tears have flooded out of me the last few months like I never thought possible. I have spent many hours on the bathroom or kitchen floor sobbing and releasing. I have started to truly recognize what needs to be healed and accepting the trauma that occurred. Accepting the full force of it and not downplaying it for anyone, especially me. We often need to really feel the depth of the pain or trauma to be able to heal from it and boy I can say that in the last few months I have bloody well felt it! I don’t think I have in all my life felt such physical pain from emotional trauma and that is because I have never ALLOWED it. I have just suppressed it over and over again. And I don’t judge myself for that because it’s been BLOODY HARD and terrifying and you sometimes have no idea just how you will make it to the next breath you need to take. So naturally we search for the easiest way to get through our pain, we find the drug of choice whether it be food, alcohol, shopping, sleeping, anything that will numb the pain and enable us to take the next step for that day and that’s OK. That’s what is needed to be done in that moment.
I really had no idea when the healing would get easier.
Slowly, the pain got less intense, the fear wasn’t as terrifying and the tears just about dried up. Unfortunately, when this part of my healing started to come to an end, instead of feeling relief, I felt lost. Very lost. I felt confused and had no idea which way to go to keep myself moving forward. Everything I knew to do to heal had gone. The pain started to leave, so the crying that I so enjoyed because of the release I felt was no longer there and then I lost what I only knew my whole life of how to cope and heal…my writing. It was gone. I tried so hard to bring it back. Time and time again until about a month ago when I just gave up. Now I was someone who just about wrote EVERYDAY no matter how small or large so for me to lose the ability to do that for a couple of months was like a life line got cut. It was like someone took my sight. It left me in a world of unknown and confusion. I kept searching, listening, watching, learning but nothing.
Another beautiful step in my healing journey and all that fills my heart and body today is love. Love and gratitude. For everything!! Not just for the good but for the bad too.
The bad that has given me the life of struggles and heartache and fear and pain. Yes, now I’m sounding like that stupid bitch I used to always swear it.
‘Oh just fuck off would you!’
That’s what I used to say to the person who only had LOVE in their heart for the man who abused her! Or the person who was completely OK with the fact that their best friend was no longer with them!
Well I can believe it. I’m not right there yet, I have got a way to go but I can see it. I can actually see it! What it has made me realize is I am not a bad person for not loving the man who abused me, I am not a pathetic person that didn’t have the strength to GET UP. I am not a sorry case that people need to worry about and take care of. I am a woman who was abused in a very violating, terrifying way at an age that innocence, play and love should have been all that was felt. It is not anyone’s fault. And most of all….it’s not MY FAULT! I no longer feel angry, I no longer feel hurt and desperate and abandoned. I feel lighter…and I feel ready. It’s so nice to be back writing and I look forward to sharing more of my healing journey as I go.
So much love and gratitude for you all fills my heart and it brings tears to my eyes.
All my love xx