This is a hard topic. Especially hard because it was only this morning that I got the kick up the backside to get out of victim mode and even though right now I am in agreeance, I am really not sure what tomorrow or even tonight will bring.
So it seems that I have a passion for drama.
I have thought about this all day. I have a passion for drama. Gee that sucks, that says some things about myself that I REALLY don’t like. But it’s reality. Often the truth really does HURT, but it’s the HURT that can be what we needed to snap us out of it. I am pretty sure I was saying to the universe yesterday…how do I get out of this?? Thanks!! It arrived. Not quite how my ‘victim’ had wanted it though.
You see, I have only ever lived a life of drama. When a trauma occurs at such a young age, I became a victim, and a victim to this day. I would really love to say that this is the day that it all turned around. Honestly? I have pretty much said…ah fuck it. Fuck the healing, fuck the yoga, fuck the meditation, fuck the health….I am just going to LIVE.
Kinda a good motto in a strange sort of way. Stop the pressures and the expectations I put on myself and the disappointments I always create and the ‘victim’ because I am just LIVING, no room for a victim. So here it is… if I think ‘Poor me, I can’t have chocolate’…..I’m going to eat chocolate…FIXED… ‘Poor me, I am so tired’…..sleep!! FIXED!! ‘Poor me….I can’t afford lunch’…cook an egg…FIXED! I am just going to suck it up and find a quick and easy fix and stop the ‘victim’ from taking over.
I am making the choice now.
I am just going to live and do whatever it is I feel like doing without worrying about where it will take me and what it will achieve or what someone will think of me, or who I will hurt, or what attention I may or may not get, or what money I will get….see the pattern….it has all been about what I can get.
I need to give from a place of true COMPASSION…not GIVE because I will receive! I think that is how I function, and that does not mean I am a horrible, blood sucking, selfish, drama queen…..that is just who I have been for a long time and I am here now to break it.
So first thing is first…..
I want to send out love and thanks and light from the bottom of my heart to all the people who have helped me in the recent months…you have been amazing and wonderful. It ends here and now. Next time you ask how I am….GREAT will be the answer!