Loneliness is something you would think I felt comfortable with by now. Growing up with my mother very vacant due to her illness, my dad working long hours and my brother and I have limited conversations purely due to the fact that we were different sexes.
But I am not. Tonight I be grudgingly went along to yoga, part of my training program my coach has set for me. As I pulled up I felt like crying, I didn’t know anyone, I didn’t know the building, it was dark and very cold. I should just go home!!
Well if I was one who didn’t care so much about my coaches opinion then I probably would have gone home, but it is not in me to ‘let others down’. By golly I am glad it is not. What a beautiful class it was. The softness of the music, the warmth, the glow of candles and the gentleness of the instructors voice. Who wouldn’t want to finish their day off with this!
It was about half way through that the tears started to flow, I am not sure if it was relief from stress as it flooded out of me from a highly anxious day or whether it was the realization that I need to surrender to my loneliness.
Let’s just sit on that for a minute.
I need to surrender to my loneliness.
Now this sounds pretty dramatic, pretty devastating and down right miserable right?! Well, no. It was transforming. As I realized that this journey, the journey to beat these labels is mine, and only mine, I NEED to be comfortable with that in order to make sure that I don’t battle against the long road but just simply ride it.
I can’t expect anyone to battle the hard days for me, to analyze whether the supplements are working, or did I eat something that was not in the plan and has caused a reaction, maybe I should have stepped up the meditation or backed off on the training? These are questions that only I can answer. Of course having my amazing team around me to help guide me with the answers will help, but at the end of the day I am the one that knows my body.
So yeah, loneliness. Thank you for making me see that I need to be comfortable with you. Now don’t get too cocky, I will tell you right now. Even though last night was a realization and a beginning step to surrendering, I still have a long road but am willing to face this new challenge.
With love & light,