What a day, not many dates do stick in my mind, I have a diary for EVERYTHING! This one though, it not only sticks in my mind, it hurts, it stings and it breaks me.
November 23rd 2014 is the day I was diagnosed. With what? Not sure that it really mattered with what, it was the day I got a label. A label that hurt, that guttered me, derailed me and shattered my current world. Bipolar Disorder, traits of OCD and traits of Borderline Personality.
To help you understand how and why this hurt SO much, here is a snippet of my life…
When I was 5 I suffered some unfortunate trauma that I believe set me up for quite a struggle. My dearest mum then began suffering from Bipolar Disorder and quite a severe dose she was served. As I grew up I watched my mum get torn apart from depression, severe anxiety & major panic attacks, mania that we all relished and laughed at (our coping mechanism) and many many hospitalizations. The roller coaster you go on watching someone you LOVE so so much and endure such pain and tribulations is just devastating.
I took on from a very early age that my responsibilities were to look after my mum, which included many suicidal moments in which I just sat and listened. Can you just for a moment imagine what it might FEEL like as a little girl sitting with your mum and hearing her tell you she no longer wishes to live. This did not only occur once, it was ongoing for many years.
One of my main thoughts when I received my diagnosis was….’I must leave my family’. I really believed with every part of me that I needed to leave my husband and say goodbye to my children so that I could go and suffer this illness on my own. There was no way in my mind that I was going to let my children grow up watching what I did.
Funnily enough, it was my BEAUTIFUL BOYS and loving husband that made me do the exact opposite. I used their LOVE, that I believe was my mums anchor, and started on my journey to better health and an exciting future.
I hope you enjoy following this journey with me .
With love & light,